Feelings. Emotions. These are curses to me. They cripple my happiness. They hinder my overall progress. They push me back into darkness. They drag me into depression. They bait sadness. They attract insecurities. They get me into trouble. They make me do the wrong choices. They lead me into making mistakes.
Love. Love is the source of all my misery.
Love creates fear. Love creates anxiety. Love creates insecurities. Love prevents me from thinking correctly, rationally, pragmatically. Love creates a need for affection. Love creates a need for attention. Love creates disappointment. Love creates ephemeral goals (that eventually lead to failure or disappointment), hindering the progression of true goals. I cannot find the words to describe at what point Love continually creeps into my life and fucks it up. It does the same time each time. It poisons me with hope, then in a blink of an eye strips me of all I have achieved and leaves me to rot.
But fear not, I am learning to not love.
Each disappointment, each wound, upon healing, only makes me stronger. Makes me less inclined to fall into the trap that love is. Every failure makes it more easier for me to reject love.
In the past weeks I have reflected on my life. What brought me happiness and what brought me sadness. And I realized something: the more I was alone, the less exposure to feelings and emotions I had, the better I felt. When I was alone, I was strong. When I was alone I could take on the world by myself. When I was alone I was all I needed. I needed myself and I had myself. I didn’t need anyone else. I had plenty of time to pursue the things that made me happy. That is making music (the only love worth feeling), researching the occult, playing videogames. My lifestyle, my goals, my projects, they are not compatible with what I want out of love. So I’m gonna work in order to ban love from my life. I have to regain my independence. I have to live alone again. I have to stop falling in love.
The happiest moments of my life were when all my decisions and life choices were made under pragmatic and logical reasoning. Whenever I let love creep into my life I start making decisions with emotional reasoning, and that usually leads me to pain, financial trouble, sadness, disappointment, loneliness, etc. Without love I am able to think clearly. To think what’s best for me, for my happiness.
I’m tired of feeling. I am weary. Love is too much of a burden to carry.
I’m just gonna need to rid myself of love, and find a sexual partner or something. Then I’ll be happy, as I once was at the start of the year.
I’m not saying love is globally bad. Love can be wonderful and works wonders for some. It is just not compatible with me.
There is so much more I’d like to vent out. But I don’t have the words.