Litha used to be a great moment of the year for me. The start of summer, of Hard Rock and Metal festivals, vacations, beautiful people walking around scantily clad under the sun. The feeling of that warm breeze against my face.
I have none of that this year.
I feel broken, cold, frigid. My heart is torn and frozen in place and I’m not even allowed to grieve this moment of pain. I am held prisoner of hope and I cannot move on until that hope has vanished. I feel hurt, crippled, and I know that to continue moving forward, I need to receive that final soul-crushing stab.
A real amazing friend gave me some powerful words of wisom a few days ago that helped me a huge lot. But even though I keep re-reading all he said to me, I still can’t help but feel I’ve failed myself. I’ve failed to handle this situation as a real Satanist. I’ve failed to properly take care of my soul and mind this past year and right now I’m failing to do so. I’m overwhelmed by emotions of sadness, rage and hatred towards myself.
I used to feel like the most important person in my own life, and I acted accordingly. Today I don’t even feel like a person at all. I feel constantly suffocated, unable to properly breathe.
I don’t know what happened. And I don’t know how I’ll get up again. I just hope time will heal me and make me understand better what happened.
Have a wonderful Litha in my behalf, I know I won’t be able to.